Danielle Staub Returns to Stripper Roots

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The World's Biggest Boobs

164XXX
That is the size of the ENORMOUS knockers on Minneapolis native, Chelsea Charms.

WOW. Charming.

Even more charming, is the fact that Ms. Charms is in the "adult entertainment" industry, and her cup size is XXX. A charming coincidence! 

Check out that back fat!

Each of those bad boys weighs in at a whopping 26.5 lbs. EACH!

Math is hard! So, let me help you out: that's 53 lbs. of boob. FIFTY-THREE!!

I'd love to know how she manages to stand upright.

Chelsea Charms is only 5'3".... so, 53 lbs. is more than 1/3 the weight of a normal, healthy woman of her height. That being said, I apologize for my crack about homegirl's back fat. I imagine it is quite the feat just to haul her ass out of bed every morning. To expect her to exercise would be cruelly unreasonable.

Chelsea Charms flew across the pond to beg for attention showcase her massive breasts on the British television programme, This Morning.

After her circus act television appearance, host of This Morning, Phillip Schofield tweeted this "charming" picture:

Phillip Schofield totes wants to tap that!

The online edition of The Daily Mirror, "Britain's brightest tabloid newspaper," featured the following headline, which may very well be the best headline in the history of hard-hitting journalism:

"Phillip Schofield is left gobsmacked by This Morning guest with the world's largest bust – at 164 XXX"

Gobsmacked, indeed.

Chelsea Charms has wittily nicknamed her monstrous boobies, "Itsy and Bitsy". Good looks and a sense of humor? A true rarity.

To get her "charming" chest, Chelsea Charms underwent a procedure called Polypropylene String Breast Implants. Ms. Charms very eloquently explained this procedure, saying:

"It's basically a cord, and it pumps fluid in the breast pocket. The string implants irritate the breast pocket, which, in turn, promotes the production of fluid." 

According to Wikipedia (keeper of all things factual), this procedure "causes continuous expansion of the breast after surgery." So, "Itsy and Bitsy" (which, remember: already weigh in at a combined 53 lbs.), continue to grow at the back-breaking rate of an inch per month.  

ONE INCH EVERY MONTH! How much more can this poor woman be forced to endure? Chelsea can hardly use an airplane bathroom, and she struggles through even the simplest of tasks, such as eating at tables. And yet, she admits that she desperately craves enjoys the attention that comes with her enormous melons, and says she "wouldn't have it any other way".

Unfortunately, for all of you flat-chested bitties out there, you've already missed the boat to a more charming, fully-breasted life, as this procedure is now banned. Sorry!



*I hope you enjoyed my obnoxious use of the word "charming". Hardy har. Me so punny.

Playboy to Michaele Salahi: "Girrl, You Ugly!"

If "Michaele Salahi" doesn't ring any bells, she's the trashbag fame-whore from Bravo's cancelled Real Housewives of D.C., as well as "alleged" White House crasher. (I love that term - "alleged".)

Anyway...according to the CIA TMZ, Mrs. Bag-of-Bones Salahi shot some fully nude, fully vomit-inducing, pics for Playboy. But here's the unfortunate news for us all: Playboy's powers-that-be emailed Michaele, to inform her that "there is no opportunity this calendar year to offer you a cover opportunity or place for your pictorial."

Aww, poor little crazy.

BUT DON'T FRET, DEAR CHILDREN! Playboy may not put Michaele Salahi's disgusting nudie pics in their mag, but they'll still put them on their website!

Publicity is publicity, and Playboy hasn't been doing too hot lately... This should definitely help their sales.

The email to Salahi continued, saying:

"We had hoped an issue would be available to present you in the pages of the magazine first. However, that does not seem likely and we do not want to keep them from our readers any longer."

HAAA! Yeah right. Playboy is smarter than that. We all know they never intended to put this freak in the pages of their prestigious magazine, they just wanted to see her goodies! (Or her not-so-goodies, as the case may be.) But I am glad that Playboy is thinking of you and me, the "readers," by not keeping these "AMAZING!" nudie shots from us! Thanks Hef & Co.!

BONUS:
This is all made even funnier by the fact that, just a few days ago, TMZ ^[1] reported that Michaele Salahi's equally fame-hungry and deranged husband/alleged White House crashing buddy, Tareq Salahi, has been in talks with Playgirl to do a FULLY NUDE vomiting parade photo spread - on horseback, no less.

Whatchu got under that towel, ya sexy beast?

TTYL my little uglies! Have fun scouring the web for those nudie shots! I know you can't resist.

^[1] TMZ Staff "Alleged White House Crasher -- Stripping for Playgirl " TMZ 16 April 2011.

People Still Watch The Bachelor?

Surprisingly, yes. But only desperate hooers, who enjoy watching other totally desperate hooers throw themselves at some lame-o.

Ever wondered what stupid looks like? Wonder no more!

The Bachelor's season finale aired last night, and according to USA TODAY, it had the show's lowest finale ratings in almost three years. Viewership was down 15% from last year's finale, but it was still the most-watched show on TV last night, with 13.8 million viewers. That just goes to show, there are A LOT of desperate hooers in our country. And think of all the desperate hooers that weren't even watching! The real figures must be staggering.

So, all o' you desperate hooers might be wondering:
1. Who got the final rose?
2. Will the couple stay together?
3. When's the wedding?
4. OMG, I totes heard the couple have already broken up since the finale was taped, is this true??
5. Are they back together??? Omg, I HOPE they are back together!!!
6. Am I totally lame?

SPOILER ALERT. I have all of the answers right here:
1. The blonde chick. I believe her name is Emily.
2. I don't care.
3. I don't care.
4. I don't care, but I believe this one's true.
5. I don't care, but I think they're back together. Seriously, just Google it.
6. Yes.

If you watch The Bachelor, I sincerely hope that I have deeply offended you.

Aubrey O'Day: Now It's Just Getting Sad

Tonight marks the premiere of Aubrey O'Day's new show, All About Aubrey, on America's classiest network: Oxygen.

This show follows Aubrey and her fake boobies around, as she desperately tries to convince us that she's not just a useless piece of garbage that missed her true calling as a porn star.

Rough night, Aubrey?

Oxygen's website states that "at 26 years old and a little more worldly, it's time for O'Day to tackle the tough questions," and then proceeds to ask 3 extremely difficult questions.  You could watch the show to find out the answers... or you can take the less painful route, and skip all of that, because I have the answers right here!  You can thank me later. 

Question 1: Will she find Mr. Right?
Answer: Do filthy hookers even care about finding "Mr. Right"?

Question 2: Can she prove to the industry that she has the star power to get back on top?
Answer: She was never exactly "on top," so how could she return to a place she's never been?

Question 3: Can she put in the hard work to deal with the cameras, the gossip, and the backstabbing?
Answer: Does she really think that any amount of hard work will actually make a difference?

My deepest apologies, I know it's rude to answer a question with a question, but I just couldn't help myself.  

If you have some sort of freakish desire to see what is sure to be an incredibly lame show, All About Aubrey premieres tonight at 10/9c.

Breaking News: Heidi Montag is an Ugly Blow-Up Doll

But she won't be checking into Season 5 of Dr. Drew Pinsky's Celebrity Rehab.

Thanks to X17, rumors have been swirling that Clown-Boobs would be joining the other wannabe-celebs at Dr. Famewhore Drew's Camp for Useless Nobodies Craving Attention for Their Problems* to overcome her addiction to pain pills.

It's a good thing High-di has the BEST PUBLICIST EVER, Spencer Pratt!!  He advised her to squash these rumors stat, so that she could simultaneously throw in a shameless plug for a movie she made a 5-second cameo** in.  BRILLIANT!  Thus, Heidi made the following statement to PEOPLE: ^[1] "No, I'm not joining the cast, I'm actually on my way to see Just Go With It for the first time."  Good statement, Heidi, thanks for the info!

But make no mistake: Heidi Montag Pratt Montag Pratt is addicted to pain killers,*** she just doesn't really feel like quitting just yet.  Here is a list of other vices she's not quite ready to give up:
1.  Bicycle Tire Pumps.  Gotta keep those boobies fully inflated to basketball-size!
2.  Creepy flesh-colored beards**** 
3.  Pretending not to be completely useless
4.  Alerting the paparazzi of her every move, in the hopes that someone might put her picture in a magazine again.  (They won't.)
5.  Continuous surgeries to make sure her face and body get a little bit uglier every day.

Don't worry, Heidi, I'll post your picture in here.  I know you could really use the publicity right now.

I'm ready, Spence!

*Fun fact: This is the longest TV show title ever.

**I do not know, nor do I care, how long Heidi's cameo in Just Go With It actually lasted.

***I do not currently have any concrete evidence to prove that Heidi Montag/Pratt is addicted to pain killers or any of the other vices listed, but I think it's fairly obvious that these are facts.

****Shout-out to Joel McHale!


^[1] Garcia, Jennifer. "Heidi Montag: I'm Not Joining the Cast of Celebrity Rehab" PEOPLE 4 March 2011.