American Idol: Top 2 (aka: Season 10 Finale)

What a hot load of garbage! I'm back from my week-long American Idol strike, and for what? This?!? What a waste, what a true waste.

Thankfully, last night's episode was only an hour long. If I had to sit through any more of that dull crap, I probably would've started carving my own wrists, just for some form of entertainment.

American Idol Season 10 Finale: Part 1

UPDATE: 

The results from Part 2 of the American Idol Season 10 Finale are in! 

SPOILER ALERT: Scotty McCreery won. See the update at the end of the post to see what's coming next for American Idol.

Just two country bumpkins

The most exciting part of last night's American Idol, was probably my frantic drive home at 6:59pm. I was super excited to see if Lauren was going to perform or not, after all the hype surrounding her "lost" voice. Girrrl, please. I bet she was sobbing backstage, as usual.

I wish Haley had taken Lauren's spot last night, maybe the performances wouldn't have been quite as coma inducing.

Round 1: Scotty & Lauren reprise their favorite songs

In this round, Scotty & Lauren performed their favorite song from their past performances this season. Pretty self-expanatory.

Scotty McCreery
Performed:"Gone" by Montgomery Gentry

Scotty started this performance with a really d-baggish strut through the audience, and onto the stage. Typical Scotty.

And did anyone else find it incredi-dumb, that Scotty swung the mic like a bat, at the end of this performance? What a lame-o.
Click here for video








Lauren Alaina
Performed: "Flat On The Floor" by Carrie Underwood

Has she worn this exact same outfit before? Lauren always has the ugliest outfits, and then she repeats them! What nerve. This outfit wasn't that bad, but overall, Lauren needs some serious guidance when it comes to dressing herself.

As for her vocal performance, her voice sounded pretty strained, but overall it wasn't completely dreadful.
Click here for video

Round 2: The Idols' Idols Song Picks

The songs performed in round 2 were chosen for the contestants by their very own "idols". How cute.

Scotty McCreery
Performed: "Check Yes Or No" by George Strait

Scotty McCreery named George Strait as his idol.

George Strait chose one of his own songs for Scotty to sing. Kind of an arrogant, self-serving choice, if you ask me. No wonder George Strait is Scotty's idol. Birds of a feather.

That said, I'm not gonna knock anyone too hard for a little self-promotion. Now subscribe to my blog, you little S.O.B.'s
Click here for video




Lauren Alaina
Performed: "Maybe It Was Memphis" by Pam Tillis

Lauren Alaina named Carrie Underwood as her idol. Not a bad choice. Carrie's career serves as the perfect model for Lauren.

Carrie had a much less self-serving song in mind for Lauren than Scotty's idol, Georgey. Good girl, keep working on that public image!

Lauren wore a super sparkly, cupcake-like tutu of a dress. Interesting choice. If Lauren doesn't win American Idol, maybe she can enter some princess pageants. I hear those are all the rage down South. Freakin' hillbillies.
Click here for video
  

Round 3: American Idol Winner's New Single

The songs sung in the final round of the first part of the Season 10 American Idol finale (whoa, that's a mouthful!) will be the winner's first single. How exciting, right? No, how very, very dull.

Scotty McCreery 

Performed: "I Love You This Big"

Scotty's final performance wins the award for MOST BORING PERFORMANCE EVER. Seriously, I almost fell asleep.

Way to put the crap icing on the crap cake, Scotty! Giving the most boring performance, in a night of boring performances, is actually a pretty big feat. Hats off to you, sir!
Click here for video

Lauren Alaina
Performed: "Like My Mother Does"

Awww, a song to her mommy. How cuuuuuute.

Touching, really. Maybe it's because I have a heart of stone, or maybe it's just the fact that I don't enjoy my mother all that much, but I didn't find this performance all that enthralling. Good enough, but nothing to write home about.
Click here for video

SO, WHO'S GOING TO WIN AMERICAN IDOL??

My bets are on Scotty McCreery. Lauren, although she is also dull, gave slightly better performances last night; but Scotty has schemed his way into the hearts and minds of every little girl in the country. He's even hypnotized some of our country's not-so-intelligent women. What a bunch of simple-minded floozies.

Whatever. See you tonight, after the results are revealed in Part 2 of the American Idol Season 10 Finale!  

UPDATE: 

As I stated in the first update, Scotty McCreery has won American Idol. 

I think earlier this season, I said something along the lines of: 
"If Scotty McCreery wins American Idol, I swear to god, I will burn down the American Idol studios". 
I'm not making any threats or anything, I'm just sayin'...

People Still Watch The Bachelor?

Surprisingly, yes. But only desperate hooers, who enjoy watching other totally desperate hooers throw themselves at some lame-o.

Ever wondered what stupid looks like? Wonder no more!

The Bachelor's season finale aired last night, and according to USA TODAY, it had the show's lowest finale ratings in almost three years. Viewership was down 15% from last year's finale, but it was still the most-watched show on TV last night, with 13.8 million viewers. That just goes to show, there are A LOT of desperate hooers in our country. And think of all the desperate hooers that weren't even watching! The real figures must be staggering.

So, all o' you desperate hooers might be wondering:
1. Who got the final rose?
2. Will the couple stay together?
3. When's the wedding?
4. OMG, I totes heard the couple have already broken up since the finale was taped, is this true??
5. Are they back together??? Omg, I HOPE they are back together!!!
6. Am I totally lame?

SPOILER ALERT. I have all of the answers right here:
1. The blonde chick. I believe her name is Emily.
2. I don't care.
3. I don't care.
4. I don't care, but I believe this one's true.
5. I don't care, but I think they're back together. Seriously, just Google it.
6. Yes.

If you watch The Bachelor, I sincerely hope that I have deeply offended you.

Hope is Fading, but a Distant Glimmer Remains

Lately, there has been much talk surrounding Gwyneth Paltrow's future as a recording artist; but contrary to several reports, she has NOT YET signed any record deal. 

The buzz is that Gwynie signed a $900,000 deal with Atlantic Records to record a pop-country album, but her rep informed PEOPLE that "there is no deal yet."  One can only hope that things remain as they are, because I certainly have no desire to hear her sing ever again. 

Gwyneth has been showing off her awful voice everywhere she can, performing at the Grammy's, the Oscars, and appearing on two episodes of Glee.  Thanks to auto-tune and a general epidemic of tone-deafness, it would seem that not everyone believes she is a wretched singer.  However, they would be wrong.
 
Apparently, when someone plays a singer in a movie, they believe that it means they really must have a lovely voice.  Poor, stupid, deaf Gwyneth.  It looks like no one has informed her of the magic of auto-tune, because homegirl is NOT a good singer.  Keeping this information from her is just downright mean.  Tsk, tsk, world.  Tsk, tsk.

If I squint hard enough, people won't notice my voice!

Here's a video of Gwyneth's dreadful performance at this year's Academy Awards.  As a fun little side note, please enjoy the marked difference in skin tones on Jennifer Hudson's face and body.  Also, please enjoy the Spanish subtitles.  

Stick to giving advice on colon-cleansing, Gwyneth, and stay far, far away from the general vicinity of my eardrums.

Aubrey O'Day: Now It's Just Getting Sad

Tonight marks the premiere of Aubrey O'Day's new show, All About Aubrey, on America's classiest network: Oxygen.

This show follows Aubrey and her fake boobies around, as she desperately tries to convince us that she's not just a useless piece of garbage that missed her true calling as a porn star.

Rough night, Aubrey?

Oxygen's website states that "at 26 years old and a little more worldly, it's time for O'Day to tackle the tough questions," and then proceeds to ask 3 extremely difficult questions.  You could watch the show to find out the answers... or you can take the less painful route, and skip all of that, because I have the answers right here!  You can thank me later. 

Question 1: Will she find Mr. Right?
Answer: Do filthy hookers even care about finding "Mr. Right"?

Question 2: Can she prove to the industry that she has the star power to get back on top?
Answer: She was never exactly "on top," so how could she return to a place she's never been?

Question 3: Can she put in the hard work to deal with the cameras, the gossip, and the backstabbing?
Answer: Does she really think that any amount of hard work will actually make a difference?

My deepest apologies, I know it's rude to answer a question with a question, but I just couldn't help myself.  

If you have some sort of freakish desire to see what is sure to be an incredibly lame show, All About Aubrey premieres tonight at 10/9c.

Breaking News: Heidi Montag is an Ugly Blow-Up Doll

But she won't be checking into Season 5 of Dr. Drew Pinsky's Celebrity Rehab.

Thanks to X17, rumors have been swirling that Clown-Boobs would be joining the other wannabe-celebs at Dr. Famewhore Drew's Camp for Useless Nobodies Craving Attention for Their Problems* to overcome her addiction to pain pills.

It's a good thing High-di has the BEST PUBLICIST EVER, Spencer Pratt!!  He advised her to squash these rumors stat, so that she could simultaneously throw in a shameless plug for a movie she made a 5-second cameo** in.  BRILLIANT!  Thus, Heidi made the following statement to PEOPLE: ^[1] "No, I'm not joining the cast, I'm actually on my way to see Just Go With It for the first time."  Good statement, Heidi, thanks for the info!

But make no mistake: Heidi Montag Pratt Montag Pratt is addicted to pain killers,*** she just doesn't really feel like quitting just yet.  Here is a list of other vices she's not quite ready to give up:
1.  Bicycle Tire Pumps.  Gotta keep those boobies fully inflated to basketball-size!
2.  Creepy flesh-colored beards**** 
3.  Pretending not to be completely useless
4.  Alerting the paparazzi of her every move, in the hopes that someone might put her picture in a magazine again.  (They won't.)
5.  Continuous surgeries to make sure her face and body get a little bit uglier every day.

Don't worry, Heidi, I'll post your picture in here.  I know you could really use the publicity right now.

I'm ready, Spence!

*Fun fact: This is the longest TV show title ever.

**I do not know, nor do I care, how long Heidi's cameo in Just Go With It actually lasted.

***I do not currently have any concrete evidence to prove that Heidi Montag/Pratt is addicted to pain killers or any of the other vices listed, but I think it's fairly obvious that these are facts.

****Shout-out to Joel McHale!


^[1] Garcia, Jennifer. "Heidi Montag: I'm Not Joining the Cast of Celebrity Rehab" PEOPLE 4 March 2011.

Our Little Paris Hilton is All Growns Up

Paris has been making the rounds lately, talking all about her upcoming reality show, The World According to Paris*, which is set to premiere at some point in time this spring, on the Oxygen Network.  As we all know, Oxygen has THE classiest reality programming around.  (Bad Girls Club, holla atcha gurl!) 

Of her time on The Simple Life, Pare-Bear stated that her true personality was not shown, but that she

"was playing a character [she] kind of invented"

Who knew that, all this time, Paris was secretly some kind of genius method actress?! Well, get excited, because we may FINALLY get to see that side of her! Princess Paris herself(!) declared that NOW is "the perfect time to do a show like [The World According to Paris]," because, at the ripe old age of 30, she feels "grown-up and excited about life" and ready to reveal "the real Paris"  Well, P.Hil, if you say so, then I believe you.

This new series will show our girl, Paree along with: bestie-for-now Brooke Mueller (Charlie Sheen's deranged estranged wife), some nobody who formerly dated Fred Durst (who is, himself, generally unimportant),  Allison Melnick (a self nightlife promoter), and Mommy Dearest, Kathy Hilton.  But the question still remains: DOES ANYBODY CARE?  And the answer is: No.  No, they most certainly do not.

Paris' first reality show, The Simple Life, was only entertaining because her pal, Nicole Richie is a riot, and carried Paris' limp, lifeless body on her back.  That's not what good friends do, Paris.  Nicole Richie is tiny, weighing 90 lbs. at most.  Paris Hilton, on the other hand, is a cow, weighing a whopping 100 lbs.**  Fatty.

Paris' other reality show, My New BFF, was not entertaining at all, so we can only wait and see how this new show turns out.  Oh, wait! - Remember when Paris Hilton was an ultra-talented singer?  Yeah, me neither. 

At the end of the day, news that Paris has a new reality show just around the bend, only serves as yet another unwanted reminder that this wonky-eyed, over-accessorized beast is still walking the earth.
Robotically, hyper-posedly walking, but walking, nonetheless.

Go Get 'em, Tiger!

The Oxygen Network has been so kind as to gift us with the following super-exciting SNEAK PEEK, in which Paris gets a real, live pony! OMG!!!!!

 

Now that is real stuff.  Thanks for showing us the REAL YOU, Paris!!
Love you forever, xoxoxo.

*As of now, the show has been given the title of The World According to Paris.  But Oxygen did consider these titles: Wonky-Eyed Over-Privileged Beast and If You Can Afford Every Accessory You See, By All Means, Wear Them ALL At Once ...But alas, these were both too lengthy to be considered workable titles.***

**I am not a medical professional, and thus have no real qualifications for estimating the weight of these obese cows.

***To the best of my knowledge, Oxygen never actually considered these titles.  I made that up.  I'm sorry.