Breaking News: Heidi Montag is an Ugly Blow-Up Doll

But she won't be checking into Season 5 of Dr. Drew Pinsky's Celebrity Rehab.

Thanks to X17, rumors have been swirling that Clown-Boobs would be joining the other wannabe-celebs at Dr. Famewhore Drew's Camp for Useless Nobodies Craving Attention for Their Problems* to overcome her addiction to pain pills.

It's a good thing High-di has the BEST PUBLICIST EVER, Spencer Pratt!!  He advised her to squash these rumors stat, so that she could simultaneously throw in a shameless plug for a movie she made a 5-second cameo** in.  BRILLIANT!  Thus, Heidi made the following statement to PEOPLE: ^[1] "No, I'm not joining the cast, I'm actually on my way to see Just Go With It for the first time."  Good statement, Heidi, thanks for the info!

But make no mistake: Heidi Montag Pratt Montag Pratt is addicted to pain killers,*** she just doesn't really feel like quitting just yet.  Here is a list of other vices she's not quite ready to give up:
1.  Bicycle Tire Pumps.  Gotta keep those boobies fully inflated to basketball-size!
2.  Creepy flesh-colored beards**** 
3.  Pretending not to be completely useless
4.  Alerting the paparazzi of her every move, in the hopes that someone might put her picture in a magazine again.  (They won't.)
5.  Continuous surgeries to make sure her face and body get a little bit uglier every day.

Don't worry, Heidi, I'll post your picture in here.  I know you could really use the publicity right now.

I'm ready, Spence!

*Fun fact: This is the longest TV show title ever.

**I do not know, nor do I care, how long Heidi's cameo in Just Go With It actually lasted.

***I do not currently have any concrete evidence to prove that Heidi Montag/Pratt is addicted to pain killers or any of the other vices listed, but I think it's fairly obvious that these are facts.

****Shout-out to Joel McHale!


^[1] Garcia, Jennifer. "Heidi Montag: I'm Not Joining the Cast of Celebrity Rehab" PEOPLE 4 March 2011.

Heidi Montag Splits With Husband Spencer Pratt

Oh, how sweet it is when certain cookies crumble, and this crumbling took less then two years!

News is out that fake celebrity Heidi Montag has split with her doubly fake, and irritating husband Spencer Pratt.

One of Heidi's minions told TMZ,

"Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She's tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career and is looking for her own home in Malibu".

Just last month the two celebufakes called the police on Heidi's mother when she apparently showed up at their house uninvited, and who can forgot Spencer's baby antics on the MTV series "I'm a celebrity get me out of here". Police actually got involved when the reality shows producer's feared Pratt's "threats of terror" toward the production staff had gone too far.

Now that this celebrity emergency is over we can get back to work on the economy, oil spill, European collapse, and a host of other more pressing issues.
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