Michael Lohan is the World's Best Dad!

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, is a true class act!  We all know how he loves to make a public mockery of his daughter, pretending all the while that he's acting in her best interest.  And now that he has signed on for the 5th season of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, he thinks it's time to step up his daddy game one more notch!

Mr. Lohan likes to show off his nips while he chats with TMZ

Last night, Mikey Lohan told reporters that he hopes to bring the Rehab cameras with him to Lindsay's March 10 court date, to show what a great, supportive father he is.  Wowie Zowie - exploiting your daughter's court date for your own publicity?  That sure is supportive parenting!  I wish Mr. Lohan were my dad!

With that kind of father, it's no wonder Lindsay is so messed up.  My only question is: Is Michael a conniving bastard, purposely trying to milk his daughter for every penny he can?  Or is he just a delusional idiot?  I'm guessing it's probably a little bit of both. 

On another note: I can't wait for March 10!

Breaking News: Heidi Montag is an Ugly Blow-Up Doll

But she won't be checking into Season 5 of Dr. Drew Pinsky's Celebrity Rehab.

Thanks to X17, rumors have been swirling that Clown-Boobs would be joining the other wannabe-celebs at Dr. Famewhore Drew's Camp for Useless Nobodies Craving Attention for Their Problems* to overcome her addiction to pain pills.

It's a good thing High-di has the BEST PUBLICIST EVER, Spencer Pratt!!  He advised her to squash these rumors stat, so that she could simultaneously throw in a shameless plug for a movie she made a 5-second cameo** in.  BRILLIANT!  Thus, Heidi made the following statement to PEOPLE: ^[1] "No, I'm not joining the cast, I'm actually on my way to see Just Go With It for the first time."  Good statement, Heidi, thanks for the info!

But make no mistake: Heidi Montag Pratt Montag Pratt is addicted to pain killers,*** she just doesn't really feel like quitting just yet.  Here is a list of other vices she's not quite ready to give up:
1.  Bicycle Tire Pumps.  Gotta keep those boobies fully inflated to basketball-size!
2.  Creepy flesh-colored beards**** 
3.  Pretending not to be completely useless
4.  Alerting the paparazzi of her every move, in the hopes that someone might put her picture in a magazine again.  (They won't.)
5.  Continuous surgeries to make sure her face and body get a little bit uglier every day.

Don't worry, Heidi, I'll post your picture in here.  I know you could really use the publicity right now.

I'm ready, Spence!

*Fun fact: This is the longest TV show title ever.

**I do not know, nor do I care, how long Heidi's cameo in Just Go With It actually lasted.

***I do not currently have any concrete evidence to prove that Heidi Montag/Pratt is addicted to pain killers or any of the other vices listed, but I think it's fairly obvious that these are facts.

****Shout-out to Joel McHale!


^[1] Garcia, Jennifer. "Heidi Montag: I'm Not Joining the Cast of Celebrity Rehab" PEOPLE 4 March 2011.