The Week In Ugly: Week of June 12 - June 19, 2011

Oh my, my, my. When it rains, it pours; and this week's ugly cup runneth over.

All of the regular offenders have come out to play, and even some of my absolute favorites have come out of hiding! (Taylor Momsen, holla atcha gurl!)

Adding to this week's wondrous display of ugly, was Royal Ascot, the "centerpiece of the British Social calendar," when the Royal Family, along with some lowly commoners, come out to play, busting out their best and brightest attire. 

First up, we have Lady GagMe, gallivanting the streets of gay Paree:

Lady GaGa

GaGa missed her true calling, as the county fair's best freak show.
Spoiler Alert: GagMe is also featured in this week's "Ugins". You will be terrified.

Princess Beatrice

It looks like Princess Beatrice decided to tone down her cray-cray headpiece a bit, since the last time we saw her in "The Week In Ugly". But make no mistake, she still looks positively dreadful.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

J.Love was spotted outside The Pleasure Chest in LA, gettin' her sexy on.

Hilary Duff

This level of ugly is out of character for the Duffster.

But, on the bright side, Hil, you look aight from the waist down!

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Kittylicious 

Elle Fanning

Ghastly

Dakota Fanning is absolutely wretched and annoying, but somehow, her younger sister, Elle, manages to out-awful her, in every aspect.

Christina Hendricks

That Pilgrim fashion is totally in right now!

Taylor Momsen

Tay-Tay is sad, because she's so freakin' ugly :'(

Ugins

ug-ins [ugg-inz]
-noun
1. ugly twins
2. either of two persons or things closely resembling each other in a manner that is very unattractive, unpleasant to look at, or displeasing in appearance.
See also: uglets

The Black Swan and, umm, The Black Swan

Oh, how i love the Brits, and their crazy hats.

And now for the pièce de résistance. 
If there are any small children around, you may want to usher those little s#!ts out of the general vicinity.

Scary Clown & Lady GaGa

Lady GagMe is the scariest clown to ever haunt our good earth.

See you next week, you ugly little s#!ts

*As always, click on the pictures to see even more ugly detail.

American Idol: Top 2 (aka: Season 10 Finale)

What a hot load of garbage! I'm back from my week-long American Idol strike, and for what? This?!? What a waste, what a true waste.

Thankfully, last night's episode was only an hour long. If I had to sit through any more of that dull crap, I probably would've started carving my own wrists, just for some form of entertainment.

American Idol Season 10 Finale: Part 1

UPDATE: 

The results from Part 2 of the American Idol Season 10 Finale are in! 

SPOILER ALERT: Scotty McCreery won. See the update at the end of the post to see what's coming next for American Idol.

Just two country bumpkins

The most exciting part of last night's American Idol, was probably my frantic drive home at 6:59pm. I was super excited to see if Lauren was going to perform or not, after all the hype surrounding her "lost" voice. Girrrl, please. I bet she was sobbing backstage, as usual.

I wish Haley had taken Lauren's spot last night, maybe the performances wouldn't have been quite as coma inducing.

Round 1: Scotty & Lauren reprise their favorite songs

In this round, Scotty & Lauren performed their favorite song from their past performances this season. Pretty self-expanatory.

Scotty McCreery
Performed:"Gone" by Montgomery Gentry

Scotty started this performance with a really d-baggish strut through the audience, and onto the stage. Typical Scotty.

And did anyone else find it incredi-dumb, that Scotty swung the mic like a bat, at the end of this performance? What a lame-o.
Click here for video








Lauren Alaina
Performed: "Flat On The Floor" by Carrie Underwood

Has she worn this exact same outfit before? Lauren always has the ugliest outfits, and then she repeats them! What nerve. This outfit wasn't that bad, but overall, Lauren needs some serious guidance when it comes to dressing herself.

As for her vocal performance, her voice sounded pretty strained, but overall it wasn't completely dreadful.
Click here for video

Round 2: The Idols' Idols Song Picks

The songs performed in round 2 were chosen for the contestants by their very own "idols". How cute.

Scotty McCreery
Performed: "Check Yes Or No" by George Strait

Scotty McCreery named George Strait as his idol.

George Strait chose one of his own songs for Scotty to sing. Kind of an arrogant, self-serving choice, if you ask me. No wonder George Strait is Scotty's idol. Birds of a feather.

That said, I'm not gonna knock anyone too hard for a little self-promotion. Now subscribe to my blog, you little S.O.B.'s
Click here for video




Lauren Alaina
Performed: "Maybe It Was Memphis" by Pam Tillis

Lauren Alaina named Carrie Underwood as her idol. Not a bad choice. Carrie's career serves as the perfect model for Lauren.

Carrie had a much less self-serving song in mind for Lauren than Scotty's idol, Georgey. Good girl, keep working on that public image!

Lauren wore a super sparkly, cupcake-like tutu of a dress. Interesting choice. If Lauren doesn't win American Idol, maybe she can enter some princess pageants. I hear those are all the rage down South. Freakin' hillbillies.
Click here for video
  

Round 3: American Idol Winner's New Single

The songs sung in the final round of the first part of the Season 10 American Idol finale (whoa, that's a mouthful!) will be the winner's first single. How exciting, right? No, how very, very dull.

Scotty McCreery 

Performed: "I Love You This Big"

Scotty's final performance wins the award for MOST BORING PERFORMANCE EVER. Seriously, I almost fell asleep.

Way to put the crap icing on the crap cake, Scotty! Giving the most boring performance, in a night of boring performances, is actually a pretty big feat. Hats off to you, sir!
Click here for video

Lauren Alaina
Performed: "Like My Mother Does"

Awww, a song to her mommy. How cuuuuuute.

Touching, really. Maybe it's because I have a heart of stone, or maybe it's just the fact that I don't enjoy my mother all that much, but I didn't find this performance all that enthralling. Good enough, but nothing to write home about.
Click here for video

SO, WHO'S GOING TO WIN AMERICAN IDOL??

My bets are on Scotty McCreery. Lauren, although she is also dull, gave slightly better performances last night; but Scotty has schemed his way into the hearts and minds of every little girl in the country. He's even hypnotized some of our country's not-so-intelligent women. What a bunch of simple-minded floozies.

Whatever. See you tonight, after the results are revealed in Part 2 of the American Idol Season 10 Finale!  

UPDATE: 

As I stated in the first update, Scotty McCreery has won American Idol. 

I think earlier this season, I said something along the lines of: 
"If Scotty McCreery wins American Idol, I swear to god, I will burn down the American Idol studios". 
I'm not making any threats or anything, I'm just sayin'...

The Week In Ugly: Week of April 17 - April 23, 2011

Ugly don't take breaks just 'cause the Lord hath risen!

So, if you're like me, & your Easter basket was chock full o' bull s#!t, here's some ugly to replace the b.s. with mounds of glee (and I'm not talking about the TV show starring that girl whose mouth takes up half her face. Although, SPOILER ALERT: she might be making a guest appearance in this week's Ugly!).

But first, the lovely basket of joy that the Easter Bunny so kindly blessed me with:

Yep, that's PB, Marmalade, Ladybug socks, a crappy hairbrush, AND shredded documents!
WOWIE ZOWIE! Thanks E-Bunz!

Now, time for this week's ugly!

Nigella Lawson

God help us, not another beached whale!

Don't know who Nigella Lawson is? She has her own Food Network show called Nigella Kitchen. This lovely beach get-up is likely to send those ratings skyrocketing! It's definitely propelled her celebrity to at least a D-rating.

Christina Aguilera

Dressing herself: one of Xtina's many highly-honed skills

Xtina was the first honoree to put her prints in cement at The Abbey Food and Bar's new "Gay Walk of Fame". They could think of absolutely no one better.

 Lea Michele

On the set of Glee, or at a convent?

Remember Lea Michele's last stint as a nun?

Jennifer Love Hewitt

U Can't Touch This

Beyonce Knowles

Makeup. Roots. Outfit. Yikes.

Britney Spears

Why bother with trivial things like hair or makeup?
It's not like you're going to be photographed, or anything.

This Week, we have a BONUS Feature!! I have dubbed it "Ugins"
(I combined "ugly" and "twins". Clever, right?)

Ugins

ug-ins [ugg-inz]
-noun
1. ugly twins
2. either of two persons or things closely resembling each other in a manner that is very unattractive, unpleasant to look at, or displeasing in appearance.

Taylor Momsen & her ugly twin, Chewbacca

Separated at birth. Reunited at last.

Fergie & her ugly twin, Kirstie Alley

Fergie is so lucky. She knows exactly what to expect in 25 years.

I think this might just be the ugliest week yet!

People Still Watch The Bachelor?

Surprisingly, yes. But only desperate hooers, who enjoy watching other totally desperate hooers throw themselves at some lame-o.

Ever wondered what stupid looks like? Wonder no more!

The Bachelor's season finale aired last night, and according to USA TODAY, it had the show's lowest finale ratings in almost three years. Viewership was down 15% from last year's finale, but it was still the most-watched show on TV last night, with 13.8 million viewers. That just goes to show, there are A LOT of desperate hooers in our country. And think of all the desperate hooers that weren't even watching! The real figures must be staggering.

So, all o' you desperate hooers might be wondering:
1. Who got the final rose?
2. Will the couple stay together?
3. When's the wedding?
4. OMG, I totes heard the couple have already broken up since the finale was taped, is this true??
5. Are they back together??? Omg, I HOPE they are back together!!!
6. Am I totally lame?

SPOILER ALERT. I have all of the answers right here:
1. The blonde chick. I believe her name is Emily.
2. I don't care.
3. I don't care.
4. I don't care, but I believe this one's true.
5. I don't care, but I think they're back together. Seriously, just Google it.
6. Yes.

If you watch The Bachelor, I sincerely hope that I have deeply offended you.

Lady GaGa Pulls Foreign Object From Vajeen, Surprises No One.

Lady GagMe's music video for 'Born This Way' premiered earlier today.  In other words, she has cursed the world with yet another amazingly long string of her very own fecal matter.  And the icing on the poo cake is: the video is even more terrible than it is lengthy.

Spoiler Alert: GagMe's 'Born This Way' look is out of this world:

Looks like somebody is trying out for the next Star Trek movie.  Get excited, Trekkies!

This (supposedly) new video is reminiscent of GaGa's 'Alejandro' video.  Both videos are extremely self-indulgently long; and both videos include excessively long introductions, adding to their general torture (this video's intro is a whopping 2min, 30sec long).  The intro alone was enough to make me consider ending my life.  'BTW' also includes the same bit featured in 'Alejandro,' where Skeletor dances in her bra and underwear, showcasing her bulimia, hideous hair, and even more hideous face.  At least 'Alejandro' had a decent song behind it to drag viewers' carcasses through to the end of the video.  That's something this new video cannot claim.  'BTDubs' is an awful song, and now we've got this awful video to match.

All of this leaves me extremely puzzled.  Lady GaGa seems to put all of her energy into convincing the world (and herself) that she is unique... So why is this just more of the same?  Why must she keep trying so hard to shock the world with her ugliness?  We get it, Gags, you're ugly!  At this point, I see only two options left for you: stop trying so hard, or simply go away.   

I don't know why anyone would want to subject themselves to watching this video, but I suffered through it, and misery loves company, so go ahead and watch it.  It's a painstakingly-long 7 minutes and 20 seconds, so beware.

 

I told you it was terrible.  And what's up with GaGa's face?  She's been wearing some sort of weird, bony-looking facial thing lately.  Hmm.  I'm pretty sure you weren't born that way, Lady Ug-o.