The Week In Ugly: Week of April 17 - April 23, 2011

Ugly don't take breaks just 'cause the Lord hath risen!

So, if you're like me, & your Easter basket was chock full o' bull s#!t, here's some ugly to replace the b.s. with mounds of glee (and I'm not talking about the TV show starring that girl whose mouth takes up half her face. Although, SPOILER ALERT: she might be making a guest appearance in this week's Ugly!).

But first, the lovely basket of joy that the Easter Bunny so kindly blessed me with:

Yep, that's PB, Marmalade, Ladybug socks, a crappy hairbrush, AND shredded documents!
WOWIE ZOWIE! Thanks E-Bunz!

Now, time for this week's ugly!

Nigella Lawson

God help us, not another beached whale!

Don't know who Nigella Lawson is? She has her own Food Network show called Nigella Kitchen. This lovely beach get-up is likely to send those ratings skyrocketing! It's definitely propelled her celebrity to at least a D-rating.

Christina Aguilera

Dressing herself: one of Xtina's many highly-honed skills

Xtina was the first honoree to put her prints in cement at The Abbey Food and Bar's new "Gay Walk of Fame". They could think of absolutely no one better.

 Lea Michele

On the set of Glee, or at a convent?

Remember Lea Michele's last stint as a nun?

Jennifer Love Hewitt

U Can't Touch This

Beyonce Knowles

Makeup. Roots. Outfit. Yikes.

Britney Spears

Why bother with trivial things like hair or makeup?
It's not like you're going to be photographed, or anything.

This Week, we have a BONUS Feature!! I have dubbed it "Ugins"
(I combined "ugly" and "twins". Clever, right?)

Ugins

ug-ins [ugg-inz]
-noun
1. ugly twins
2. either of two persons or things closely resembling each other in a manner that is very unattractive, unpleasant to look at, or displeasing in appearance.

Taylor Momsen & her ugly twin, Chewbacca

Separated at birth. Reunited at last.

Fergie & her ugly twin, Kirstie Alley

Fergie is so lucky. She knows exactly what to expect in 25 years.

I think this might just be the ugliest week yet!

Playboy to Michaele Salahi: "Girrl, You Ugly!"

If "Michaele Salahi" doesn't ring any bells, she's the trashbag fame-whore from Bravo's cancelled Real Housewives of D.C., as well as "alleged" White House crasher. (I love that term - "alleged".)

Anyway...according to the CIA TMZ, Mrs. Bag-of-Bones Salahi shot some fully nude, fully vomit-inducing, pics for Playboy. But here's the unfortunate news for us all: Playboy's powers-that-be emailed Michaele, to inform her that "there is no opportunity this calendar year to offer you a cover opportunity or place for your pictorial."

Aww, poor little crazy.

BUT DON'T FRET, DEAR CHILDREN! Playboy may not put Michaele Salahi's disgusting nudie pics in their mag, but they'll still put them on their website!

Publicity is publicity, and Playboy hasn't been doing too hot lately... This should definitely help their sales.

The email to Salahi continued, saying:

"We had hoped an issue would be available to present you in the pages of the magazine first. However, that does not seem likely and we do not want to keep them from our readers any longer."

HAAA! Yeah right. Playboy is smarter than that. We all know they never intended to put this freak in the pages of their prestigious magazine, they just wanted to see her goodies! (Or her not-so-goodies, as the case may be.) But I am glad that Playboy is thinking of you and me, the "readers," by not keeping these "AMAZING!" nudie shots from us! Thanks Hef & Co.!

BONUS:
This is all made even funnier by the fact that, just a few days ago, TMZ ^[1] reported that Michaele Salahi's equally fame-hungry and deranged husband/alleged White House crashing buddy, Tareq Salahi, has been in talks with Playgirl to do a FULLY NUDE vomiting parade photo spread - on horseback, no less.

Whatchu got under that towel, ya sexy beast?

TTYL my little uglies! Have fun scouring the web for those nudie shots! I know you can't resist.

^[1] TMZ Staff "Alleged White House Crasher -- Stripping for Playgirl " TMZ 16 April 2011.

As One Monster Dies, Another is Born

Sadly, The Oprah Winfrey Show will come to an end on May 25. I ain't mad at that!

You know what I am mad at? - The Oprah Winfrey Network has given a new show to the grossest, most repulsive female person on the planet.

It's Rosie O'Donnell!!!

Gross.

Does anyone really want to hear Rosie harp on and on about her lame opinions? NO.

If anyone wanted to hear her speak, Rosie Cheeks wouldn't have been booted off of The View.

Duh.  Fail, fail, fail.  Obviously, the Harpo homies had to ensure that Oprah's "replacement" was fatter, uglier, and louder than Oprah, so as to make everyone miss Oprah even more, thus serving her ever-enlarging ego.

This new show will be filmed on the exact same soundstage at Harpo Studios (in Chicago), as The Oprah Winfrey Show.

About this new show, Rosie said:

"It's a huge thrill for me, and I'm beyond the beyond."

Well, of course she's thrilled, it's the only real job she's had in years. To make matters worse, Rosie is already set to do at least 130 episodes. ONE HUNDRED THIRTY!!!! Good god, pray help us through these dark, dark days.

The one comforting fact in all of this, is that Rosie's show will not be on network TV, it will be on Oprah's cable network OWN, which is only viewed by Oprah's lame body of fans.

All I can say is, Thank GOD I don't live in Chicago.

What's Making Bradley Cooper So Happy?

Bradley Cooper was photographed at LAX yesterday (March 18), looking happy as a clam. Now, I know everybody is just dying to know: "Why so happy, B.Coop?" Well, you'd be happy too, if you had just broken up with the ugliest woman in Hollywood (possibly the planet).

Ear to ear

Yep, Renee Zellweger has (not surprisingly) been dumped by Bradley Cooper, after almost 2 years of dating. WILL SHE EVER FIND TRUE LOVE?!? Nope. Not even a mother could love a face that ugly.

Reps for the couple have yet to comment on the rumored breakup, so is it even true? Or is it just a load of crap, drummed up to create more buzz around Cooper, whose movie, Limitless, just happened to premiere yesterday? Who cares. I really just want to talk about how hideous Renee Zellweger is.

Get ready to shield your eyes, as we take a look at some of Renee's hottest pics:

Even Renee is disgusted with herself

Someone's been sucking on... lemons.

Wasted?

An uglier Anna Nicole Smith?

Renee's attempt to look seductive.

I am now violently vomiting. Thanks for helping me lose a few pounds, Renee!