Hope is Fading, but a Distant Glimmer Remains

Lately, there has been much talk surrounding Gwyneth Paltrow's future as a recording artist; but contrary to several reports, she has NOT YET signed any record deal. 

The buzz is that Gwynie signed a $900,000 deal with Atlantic Records to record a pop-country album, but her rep informed PEOPLE that "there is no deal yet."  One can only hope that things remain as they are, because I certainly have no desire to hear her sing ever again. 

Gwyneth has been showing off her awful voice everywhere she can, performing at the Grammy's, the Oscars, and appearing on two episodes of Glee.  Thanks to auto-tune and a general epidemic of tone-deafness, it would seem that not everyone believes she is a wretched singer.  However, they would be wrong.
 
Apparently, when someone plays a singer in a movie, they believe that it means they really must have a lovely voice.  Poor, stupid, deaf Gwyneth.  It looks like no one has informed her of the magic of auto-tune, because homegirl is NOT a good singer.  Keeping this information from her is just downright mean.  Tsk, tsk, world.  Tsk, tsk.

If I squint hard enough, people won't notice my voice!

Here's a video of Gwyneth's dreadful performance at this year's Academy Awards.  As a fun little side note, please enjoy the marked difference in skin tones on Jennifer Hudson's face and body.  Also, please enjoy the Spanish subtitles.  

Stick to giving advice on colon-cleansing, Gwyneth, and stay far, far away from the general vicinity of my eardrums.