Aubrey O'Day: Now It's Just Getting Sad

Tonight marks the premiere of Aubrey O'Day's new show, All About Aubrey, on America's classiest network: Oxygen.

This show follows Aubrey and her fake boobies around, as she desperately tries to convince us that she's not just a useless piece of garbage that missed her true calling as a porn star.

Rough night, Aubrey?

Oxygen's website states that "at 26 years old and a little more worldly, it's time for O'Day to tackle the tough questions," and then proceeds to ask 3 extremely difficult questions.  You could watch the show to find out the answers... or you can take the less painful route, and skip all of that, because I have the answers right here!  You can thank me later. 

Question 1: Will she find Mr. Right?
Answer: Do filthy hookers even care about finding "Mr. Right"?

Question 2: Can she prove to the industry that she has the star power to get back on top?
Answer: She was never exactly "on top," so how could she return to a place she's never been?

Question 3: Can she put in the hard work to deal with the cameras, the gossip, and the backstabbing?
Answer: Does she really think that any amount of hard work will actually make a difference?

My deepest apologies, I know it's rude to answer a question with a question, but I just couldn't help myself.  

If you have some sort of freakish desire to see what is sure to be an incredibly lame show, All About Aubrey premieres tonight at 10/9c.

Our Little Paris Hilton is All Growns Up

Paris has been making the rounds lately, talking all about her upcoming reality show, The World According to Paris*, which is set to premiere at some point in time this spring, on the Oxygen Network.  As we all know, Oxygen has THE classiest reality programming around.  (Bad Girls Club, holla atcha gurl!) 

Of her time on The Simple Life, Pare-Bear stated that her true personality was not shown, but that she

"was playing a character [she] kind of invented"

Who knew that, all this time, Paris was secretly some kind of genius method actress?! Well, get excited, because we may FINALLY get to see that side of her! Princess Paris herself(!) declared that NOW is "the perfect time to do a show like [The World According to Paris]," because, at the ripe old age of 30, she feels "grown-up and excited about life" and ready to reveal "the real Paris"  Well, P.Hil, if you say so, then I believe you.

This new series will show our girl, Paree along with: bestie-for-now Brooke Mueller (Charlie Sheen's deranged estranged wife), some nobody who formerly dated Fred Durst (who is, himself, generally unimportant),  Allison Melnick (a self nightlife promoter), and Mommy Dearest, Kathy Hilton.  But the question still remains: DOES ANYBODY CARE?  And the answer is: No.  No, they most certainly do not.

Paris' first reality show, The Simple Life, was only entertaining because her pal, Nicole Richie is a riot, and carried Paris' limp, lifeless body on her back.  That's not what good friends do, Paris.  Nicole Richie is tiny, weighing 90 lbs. at most.  Paris Hilton, on the other hand, is a cow, weighing a whopping 100 lbs.**  Fatty.

Paris' other reality show, My New BFF, was not entertaining at all, so we can only wait and see how this new show turns out.  Oh, wait! - Remember when Paris Hilton was an ultra-talented singer?  Yeah, me neither. 

At the end of the day, news that Paris has a new reality show just around the bend, only serves as yet another unwanted reminder that this wonky-eyed, over-accessorized beast is still walking the earth.
Robotically, hyper-posedly walking, but walking, nonetheless.

Go Get 'em, Tiger!

The Oxygen Network has been so kind as to gift us with the following super-exciting SNEAK PEEK, in which Paris gets a real, live pony! OMG!!!!!

 

Now that is real stuff.  Thanks for showing us the REAL YOU, Paris!!
Love you forever, xoxoxo.

*As of now, the show has been given the title of The World According to Paris.  But Oxygen did consider these titles: Wonky-Eyed Over-Privileged Beast and If You Can Afford Every Accessory You See, By All Means, Wear Them ALL At Once ...But alas, these were both too lengthy to be considered workable titles.***

**I am not a medical professional, and thus have no real qualifications for estimating the weight of these obese cows.

***To the best of my knowledge, Oxygen never actually considered these titles.  I made that up.  I'm sorry.