Brooke Mueller: Hard Drugs, Hard Nipples

Charlie Sheen's ex-wife / baby mama, Brooke Mueller, was spotted out n' about in Hawaii. Not surprisingly, Brooke was engaging in some highly suspicious activity, to say the least.

As Brooke roamed the streets of Maui, cash in hand, she was photographed talking to multiple people in random cars. From my extensive research, this looks a lot like the behavior of a junkie buying drugs.

Full disclosure: the only research I've done has been in the form of viewing those newfangled talkies.

Suspicious, no?

Woman on a mission!
Ok, Brooke's nipples may or may not be hard. But they are visible. Close enough.

Fiending for more? TMZ has a delightful gallery, full of pictures depicting Brooke Mueller's Shady Transaction In Hawaii. 

Remember Brooke Mueller's Fun-Filled Week back in mid-April?

So, what do you think: Is Brooke Mueller an unfit mother? Should Charlie Sheen get the two chil'ns for keepsies? Is there a lesser evil in all of this? How 'bout Grandma? Where did Brookey get her super cute ensemble? What have the Goddesses been up to? Does Denise Richards ever not look like a deer caught in headlights? Does she really do her own bikini waxing? Do you think she numbs her vaj first? So many questions, my head is spinning.Get at me.

Casting - Two and a Half Men

Charlie Sheen has been replaced...

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/cbs-confirms-ashton-kutcher-will-join-two-and-a-half-men--2967

NicoSheen: The Next Best Thing to Crack Cocaine

He may never get Two And A Half Men back, but Charlie Sheen now has something even better: e-Grits!

Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you: NicoSheen!

Yep. The world's premier news source, TMZ, has revealed that Charlie Sheen has a line of electronic cigarettes coming soon! 

NicoSheen, the "Winning E-Cigarette," features "Sheen Safe Smoke". I don't know what that means, but if it's good enough for Charlie, it's good enough for me!

The best part is: Charlie Sheen's mugshot headshot is prominently displayed on the packaging.

Brooke Mueller's Fun-Filled Week

Charlie Sheen's estranged (and dangerously deranged) ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has been up to some crazy shenans this week! She's obviously out to show the world that she's cleaning up her act, in order to retain custody of the children she birthed with loony toon, Charlie Sheen.

Aww, the good ol' days, when Brooke & Charlie would chain smoke & do lines of blow together, as a happily married couple.

The first sign that Brookey took the short jump into the pits of insanity, was her attempt to sell a stereo and a pricey men's watch to a pawn shop in Inglewood, CA, early Thursday morning.  Not surprisingly, TMZ got their grubby little hands on the pawn shop's surveillance footage, which shows Brooke looking all nervous and fidgety. Nothing like a hearty bowl of crack cocaine to start your day!

Poor Brooke couldn't convince the pawn shop to buy her goodies, 'cause she couldn't supply a valid I.D. - Must be a pretty classy pawn shop, if you need a real I.D!

Interesting note: Brooke gets $55,000 EVERY MONTH in child support from Charlie, not to mention, the millions she received when they divorced. So, WHY does she need to pawn anything? How much blow can you possibly buy in a month? And hasn't she ever heard of ebay? No one asks you for I.D. on ebay! Stupid Brooke.

2nd DAY OF SHENANS:

(Background Info: Brooke & Charlie both agreed to random drug-testing, as part of their custody settlement.)

Brooke was scheduled to have a drug test at 6pm on Friday...yet when the drug testers showed up at her home, Brooke's lawyer, was all, "Nuh-uh! Brooke doesn't need to take no drug test!"*

Obviously, Brooke didn't want to take the drug test, because she was offended that anyone would doubt her sobriety in the first place. She was overheard telling the drug testers (in a British accent), "I will surely not dignify your suspicions by submitting myself to your mandatory drug tests!"* There you have it, straight from the horse's mouth. This clearly proves that Brooke is clean and sober.

According to the terms of Brooke & Charlie's custody settlement:

refusing to take a drug test = a dirty test.

So which coke fiend will get to keep these lucky kids? Will it be unemployed Charlie Sheen? Or bat-s#!t crazy Brooke Mueller? OR will it be the wannabe-pornstar Goddesses?!?

This one's got me on the edge of my seat!! I can't wait to find out how this story ends!

One big, happy family!

*Disclaimer: No one said any of these things.

The Week In Ugly: Week of March 28 - April 3, 2011

It's time to see the ugliest of the ugly from this week:
 

 Ellen Page

I wish this annoying 10-year-old boy would just stop.

 Kathy Griffin

Kathy, you're hilarious, and I love you, but don't EVER do this to me again.

Charlie Sheen

Terrifying

Courtney Love

Ladies & Gents: The original Taylor Momsen!

Taylor Momsen

How is it legal for TayMom to attend the Kids' Choice Awards?

Christina Hendricks & Vivienne Westwood

Vivienne Westwood: Innovator of punk fashion, and general hideous-ness.  Not a big fan of Christina Hendricks' look either. 

Wynonna Judd & Naomi Judd

 

Why am I not surprised that Country stars don't know how to dress themselves?

As always: Here's hoping next week is even uglier!

Charlie Sheen...LOST?

Today will go down in history as a sad, sad day.  Charlie Sheen has finally officially been fired from Two and a Half Men.  And so ends this hilarious ride?  Yeah right, we all know Charlie will do the right thing, and continue his outrageously entertaining antics for at least a little while longer.  One can only hope.

Warner Bros. sent a relatively short letter to Sheen's lawyer, detailing their reasons for terminating good ol' Charlie's contract.  Clearly, Warner Bros doesn't find him nearly as hilarious as do I.  Too bad.  Of course, TMZ got their grubby little hands on this letter before anyone else.   

Here's a fun little excerpt from the letter:

Mr. Sheen called Mr. Lorre a "contaminated little maggot," a "retarded zombie" and a "turd." He also stated that he wishes Mr. Lorre "nothing but pain" and that he has "defeated this earthworm with my words-imagine what I could have done with my fire breathing fists."
Moreover, among many other bizarre comments, Mr. Sheen has proclaimed:

• "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. . .. If you try it once you will die.  Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
• "I have tiger blood" and "Adonis DNA."
• My brain "fires in a way that is ... maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
• "I'm not bipolar but biwinning."
• "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."

I'm so glad Warner Brothers' lawyers decided to sum up Charlie's recent shenanigans, all in one spot!  How thoughtful!

If you are just itching to read 11 pages of legal jargon (plus a COMPLETE 10-page list of Charlie's recent media parade coverage since Feb. 24! BONUS!!), TMZ has been so kind as to share it with us!  Click here to continue the fun!

Idk, I still think Charlie's winning

Update: Charlie Sheen's Still Got a Piss Poor Attitude

Charlie Sheen may have single-handedly caused the cancellation of the four episodes left for this season of Two and a Half Men, but Warner Bros. Television wants to assure everyone not to fret: the crew will still get paid for the episodes that they would have worked on, had they not been cancelled.

But don't worry, Charlie is still a big ol' d-bag.  He's been having a jolly good time, running around to any/every news source willing to listen to him rant and rave, chain-smoking all the while.

Watch the following video to see how many cigarettes Charlie Sheen can smoke in just one minute!

With Charlie's unstoppable media rampage, it's not surprising that his longtime publicist, Stan Rosenfield, has announced his resignation. But on the bright side, the wise being known as Spencer Pratt told TMZ that he'd be happy to step in as Sheen's publicist.  All for the low, low price of $FREE.99!!  Wow, Spence, you've done so well for yourself and Heidi "Clown Boobs" Pratt Montag, that I'm sure you could take Charlie's situation and turn it right around!

Watch the following video to see the big reveal of  Charlie Sheen's drug test results, proving that he's been clean for THREE WHOLE DAYS!!! Wow, big win for Charlie!  Big win, indeed.

You've Got a Piss Poor Attitude, Charlie Sheen

And you're making Jon Cryer cry.  Not a nice thing to do to your on-screen bro.  I thought men were all about the whole "bros before hoes" thing, but not Charlie Sheen.  He is ALL about dem hoes.

Personally, I absolutely despise Two and a Half Men, and I cannot, for the life of me, understand how it could possibly be TV's number one comedy.  Everything about the show is the complete opposite of funny, yet the studio audience is queued up to laugh after EVERY SINGLE line.  It's just overkill, and clearly the show is written for the hoards of idiots who have no idea what funny is.  Thus, they need a studio audience to let them know exactly when they should laugh.  Wretched.  Just wretched.

That being said, I still find it unkind of Charlie Sheen to bring down this entire show, just so he can bang a few hooks and snort some blow.  He is affecting the lives of everyone working on this god awful show, and it's just mean.  Charlie Sheen, you're a meany!  Take that!

The show has been cancelled for the rest of this season, which may turn into forever, once Charlie Sheen rolls down a ditch he can't crawl out of.  I think the Powers-That-Be should bring Emilio Estevez in to play Charlie's part.  What have YOU been doing since The Breakfast Club The Mighty Ducks?  Hmm, Emilio?  WHAT?!  Nothing.  Might as well be nothing.  Step up, son! 

EMILIOOOOOO!!!!!