Justin Bieber Sets Mom on Fire

"BURN, DEVIL WOMAN! BURN!!!,"  shouted Justin Bieber, as he set his mom aflame at his concert last night in Berlin.

Slap ya momma!

Those may bot have been his exact words...  He said something more along the lines of "Happy Birthday," but at the end of the day, it's really all the same.


The real story is: Little Biebs invited his mom out on stage last night, and presented her with a birthday cake.  He then sang "Happy Birthday" to her, with the help of everyone at the concert.  Not a bad birthday present.  Except, as Pattie leaned over to blow out her bday candles, she lit a few strands of her hair on fire.  Whoopsie Poopsie!  Good thing her son can afford to buy her $5,000 hair extensions to cover up the scorched strands.

After the show, Bieber took to his Twitter (of course), saying:

Well, thank goodness JB was there to save the day!

Here's video footage of the hair-scorching incident:

Happy Birthday, Eva!!

Today is March 15, the birthday of my favorite celebrity in the whole wide world, Eva Longoria!!!

Eva turns 36 today, and I swear, she gets better looking every year.  I really have nothing but nice things to say about Eva, I'm completely obsessed.  So, instead of listing all of her wonderful qualities like some psychotic freak, let's just take a look at some pictures of Eva through the years, and bask in the glow of her beauty.

 1993

High School Yearbook photos are the best!

1998

Corpus Christi: Home of fatties & chiggers (so I hear). And then, there's Eva Longoria.

  
2002

On the set of The Young and the Restless

2004

Desperate Housewives begins!

2005

Eva introduces Mariah Carey at the 2005 MTV VMA's, and totally shows up Ms. Saggy Boobs

2006

The Desperate Housewives cast, with their 2nd Golden Globe for Best Comedy TV Series

2007

It's ok, Eva, we all make mistakes.  At least you looked fab!

2008

Eva steams it up for Bebe Sport

2009

Eva graces the cover of the June 2009 issue of GQ Mexico

2010

Pure perfection at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival

2011

In the midst of divorce proceedings, and she looks this good?  Stupid Tony Parker.

Now that we can clearly see that she is perfect, everyone should visit Eva Longoria's Facebook page, and "like" her officially.

Justin Bieber: Birthday BJ's to be Given to Charity

Today is truly a great day.  A great day for the whole wide world!  It's March 1, and today is a birthday Double-Whammy.  I'd like to wish a great, big, happy b-day to Justin "Baby" Bieber, AND to Ke$ha "Baby Hooker" Sebert!!

Beastly

Ahh, I do soo love little Biebs, and I mean that, from the very bottom of my black heart.  He is 17 today, and I hope he stays in pop music forever and ever, even 'til he's a senile, cranky, perverted 84 year old man.  Little cutie.


If you happen to feel the urge to give JB a birthday BJ, or any other birthday gift, he would like you to direct those gifts, in the form of a monetary donation, to Charity: Water, which is working to get clean, safe drinking water to everyone on the planet.  How noble of you, Biebs.  I love you even more today than the day I first laid eyes on you.

Hopefully Selena isn't planning on giving Justin's birthday bone to charity

Ke$ha, on the other hand, turns 24 today, and has stated that she will gladly accept any, and every, Birthday BJ that anyone should be so kind to send her way.*

Dirtiest hooker on the planet

*Ke$ha has not made any such official statement, but I think we all know it's safe to assume this to be true.

Happy Freakin' Birthday, Sally Jessy Raphael!

For my first post, I wanted to write something especially profound and meaningful. 

Confucius Say:

"Dah mos' profound ting in ryfe arr mos' short."

Thus, for maximum impactfulness, I will keep this post short and sweet:

Today is February 25, so I just want to wish a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Sally Jessy Raphael. Happy freakin' birthday, you cantankerous old coot! I hope you're smiling down on us from heaven, still rockin' those huge red frames.**

Here's a picture to honor your memory:


Check YOU out, hot mama!

 *Confucius has never been recorded as saying this. But far be it for me, to claim that I am absolutely positive that he never said these wise words.

**As of today, Sally Jessy Raphael is still among the living.  According to Wikipedia, she is currently residing in Dutchess County, New York, where she still hosts The Sally Jessy Raphael Show inside her crazy, deranged mind.***

***Wikipedia did not make any such claims as to the status of Sally Jessy Raphael's current talk show hosting jobs, nor her crazy, deranged state of mind.